Remembering PULSE Orlando

This tribute was found in Chicago's Humboldt Park neighborhood months after the PULSE Orlando shooting.

PULSE Orlando happened two years ago today. 

It's a shame to say that now it's the second worse act of domestic terrorism that targeted queer people of color. It would only be surpassed by the recent Las Vegas terrorist act. 

I write this with sensitivity to all who were impacted and remain impacted by this senseless and tragic loss of innocent life. I do hope there is a future where massacres such as PULSE Orlando never happen again. I won't just settle for thoughts and prayers...as those are useless if they have no action. I dishonor our queer ancestors by doing nothing...and I dishonor them by not remembering them. 

The PULSE Orlando shooting is a moment in my life where I remember exactly where I was at and with whom. I was wrapping up my time working as a Coordinator of Student Development at Cal Poly and was hanging out with my friends, Amanda, Jill, Steve, and Tim. We were in Sierra Madre where Steve was the coordinator of the time. If memory serves me correctly, Steve and Tim were playing Rocket League on his Playstation. Jill, Amanda, and I were busy talking...probably talking about men to be frank. I remember being on my phone, tindering away, refreshing Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, etc. It wasn't too late when I was on Twitter and I remember seeing my feed begin to load tweets about Orlando and the PULSE shooting. I quickly continue to check out the messages and shared them out with the group. I think we were all pretty whatever about it at first as we were trying to see exactly what was going down. I kept refreshing my feed when videos of what was happening were being uploaded by people who were there. It was sobering to see videos of people running away from the sound of gunshots. It was sobering to see so much fear as we quickly learned that whatever was happening was still happening. 

I remember quickly seeing that it was a gay bar that this had occurred at. I was sad. I was stunned, thinking to myself, "what the flying fuck is going on?" We chatted amongst friends but I think we were all tired and to be honest I don't remember what we did next. I want to say that we all departed and went home for the night...but I'm not sure. We might have gone to get food (probably Taco Bell as that's what we usually did late at night). Nonetheless, I went to bed that night...distracted and lost with how to feel. 

The next morning I woke up to the news coverage of what had gone down. It was clear how many people were lost and how many had been hurt. I remember feeling numb. I remember making the connection that those who were killed were queer latinx folks like myself. I quickly thought about all the nights I had gone out to places like PULSE...such as Fantasy in Chicago. It was the first time I saw someone like me, murdered in a space that should have been the SAFEST space for queer latinx people. It sunk in that PULSE Orlando would have been the kind of gay bar I would have gone to. I couldn't begin to imagine the shock, fear, and betrayal these people felt there. I couldn't begin to realize what their family and friends closest to the victims would feel in the days to come. I remember reading articles of how after law enforcement cleared the scene, the process to begin to understand the amount of death that had needlessly occurred. I remember the reports of how the cell phones of those who were murdered rang endlessly as their loved ones and friends desperately tried to call them as they laid slain. I also remember the pain and fear I thought of all the victims who were outed in death. All the families who not only were dealing with losing someone, but also perhaps confronting identities that they might not have known existed within their loved ones. 

Those murdered were robbed of their chance to live, to dance, to sing, to be happy, to be safe. I couldn't then, and I still can't bear it now. I wrote the following post the day after. 

I was devastated. Just when you think we're making process we are hit with a devastating blow. I called and texted so many of my queer friends and just sent them reminders that I loved them. I too received many of those same messages. 

Later that day I remember going to McLintocks with Steve. He asked me how I was doing as he had seen my post and I don't even remember what my response was, but I felt visible in a way that I had previously not felt before. Whatever I told him, I remember feeling loved and that's what I needed to feel that day after what happened. 

Just as my worlds and identities continued to merge in other areas...whether it was seeing queer latinx representation in films, music, and in being more open myself, I had now seen queer latinx representation in a mass shooting massacre. This is NOT the representation any group wants or needs.

Just as there was pain though, there was healing. I would also see my specific identities, my beautiful Mexican and queer identity come together in solidarity with PULSE Orlando. A few months later in Chicago I would go to the National Museum of Mexican Art in Chicago in November and I would be brought to tears by what I saw. Never in my life did I ever picture a Dia de los Muertos altar honoring the queer lives lost at PULSE Orlando. I continued to find myself more at ease that who I was could exist with whom my family was. I also believe that the loss of so many queer people was an awakening to many who have queer siblings as to why we use and need spaces such as PULSE. Regardless, I saw unity and solidarity in honoring and remembering all lost during this tragedy. 
​

National Museum of Mexican Art in Chicago during it's Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) exhibit. When I saw this, I cried..so so much.

Remembering PULSE Orlando on the second anniversary brings me lots of emotions. I also know that I don't take for granted the life I'm able to lead. I, in my own way, believe that I honor those lost, by not fearing but by living as courageously as I can and frequenting queer spaces such as PULSE. Every time I'm able to work with a young queer person of color I always speak to the value, community, and healing in spaces such as PULSE. We need more spaces like this, to continue to show young queer people...young queer people of color, that we can exist, have fun, and be safe from violence. 

My love goes to those connected to the victims of the massacre. June 12 will always be on my mind during PRIDE as a reminder to not take for granted the progress and safety we've been able to achieve...but also as a reminder of the work that continues to need people to lead on. We must continue to protect and defend spaces where we can live without fear of violence for not just us today, but for those who come after us.

May You ALl Rest in  POWER