All of us have our "ride and die" friend in our lives. That friend that can be ever so disturbing and offensive one minute, and loving and mindful the next. My "ride and die" is my high school friend whom I have referred to with many different names over the years. J.Q., J.Quizzle, J.Fashon...are just some of the more G rated names I use when talking about him...at the end of the day though I'll use the name his mother affectionately calls him...marrana Jose! :) 

Jose and I go back to 8th grade actually. We met at our 8th grade end of the year trip at Six Flag's Great America in Gurnee! We would enter high school knowing each other but believe it or not were quite hostile towards one another in the earlier moments of our friendship (though some could argue we are much more hostile to one another now because of the things we say of and to each other...). While Jose was out in high school, I credit my own internalized homophobia for it's role in preventing me from allowing myself to get closer to him right away. It was perhaps a fear of being labled as gay before I was ready that drove me to be less than welcoming to him.

Nonetheless Jose is my closest friend. He might know this and if he doesn't I'll likely regret putting these next few thoughts in writing...but he has been a role model in living life as it should be lived...with no regrets...and no regards to what others might feel about us. Jose has always been someone whom I could literally say anything to...anything to. It could be remarks from the failed hook up of the night before...the complete disdain I have for "systems of oppression" as he likes to mock me for, or my latest rationale behind why Lady Gaga is better than Britney Spears (there I said it, SUE ME) he has always been there to pick up the call to listen...but also hang up the call when he needed to bring me back to Earth. 

This kween is also my person when it comes to exploring Boystown in any given night we are both in Chicago. There is no doubt I wouldn't know any of the queer places we frequent if it weren't for him. I am grateful to have been introduced to spaces where I can escape the messed up world we live in and be present with other queer folks like us who find community and bonding in simply knowing we can all exist without fear of violence being enacted upon us. 

Jose- thank you for always shooting the shit with me. For being the only person I know who can hang until bar close at 5am and still have an apetitie for shenanigans once we're kicked out. Thank you for providing me an ear as I literally went through my erratic moods as I came out to you, friends, and family. To your mother for always giving me so much love when I needed it. To you for being a fierce queen who has taught me the value in being vulnerable with others. 

Below you'll find some of MY favorite videos of the times we've had together. A snapshot of the wild lives we can sometimes lead. :) 

I should note...that before any of you get any ideas...we aren't dating, we won't date, and any suggestion from our friends that we will end up together is tragic and really a tired idea that we've both constantly shot down throughout the years. Two gay people or two gay friends who get along does not equal a soon to be married couple. This is not something unique to us but is a problematic and annoying experience where gay folks are automatically pegged to be secret or soon to be lovers just because of the relationship they have. If you don't have friends that allow you to be you without this view that suggests something romantic or sexual must be happening is a shame...and quite frankly you need better friends. If you really want to know why we wouldn't work by all means ask, I'll let you know but you'll probably say that you didn't need to know those details. :) 

It was the summer of 2012...I was a rising senior at college. I secured an internship to go out to Washington D.C. to work in Iowa's Senator Tom Harkin's personal office. I was mentored by the amazing Alicia Lynch who was my Area Coordinator at the time (shout out to all higher ed professionals...because of you I found a career I love). She had advised me to go out to D.C., work in the Harkin office, and enjoy the summer out there prior to my senior year...especially as we were in a presidential election year. 

I, through her guidance, found myself in Washingston D.C. by late May 2012. I was living in an apartment at the Catholic University of America. I had my first suit ready to be worn on my first day. I was excited, ready to put in my hours to make everyone back home proud. It was an experience that brought me so much happiness, but also an experience that as I look back really stirred thoughts of depression, lonliness, and anxiety.

Everyday I worked in the Hart Senate Building, I would leave and be home by 6pm or so. That left a bit of time for me to fill each night. The weekends were basically free time for me to explore the city and get into shenanigans (which for those who know me know I am no stranger at doing ridiculous things). The most surpsising thing during my time out there was how much time I found myself listening to music and watching Netflix in the evenings. 

Fast forward to one of the days in the Harkin office and there was a session we were asked as interns to go to and it involved HIV/AIDS advocacy and awareness. I attended and remember leaving curious as to how big of a threat HIV/AIDS was. I found myself in the evening reading up on it and saw a list of famous individuals who had succombed to the virus. One of those listed was Freddie Mercury. I had zero idea who Freddie Mercury was, I was intrigued by the name and that sparked another rabbit hole of reading on the internet. I would learn he was the lead singer of Queen. Again, I had no idea who Queen was (don't come for me world, I grew up in a Mexican home, where the norm was Los Rieleros, Juan Gabriel, etc.). I would read that they were the makers of big hits like "We Will Rock You" "We Are the Champions" "Another One Bites the Dust". I quickly knew the songs and finally put two and two together that I did indeed know Queen and Freddie's music, but had no idea the story behind it all. I would spend that night and the rest of my summer there listening to Queen, watching thier concerts on YouTube. I would become obsessed (as I do with many of the things I love), and would read books, watch documentaries, watch interviews, etc. I would stumble across interview videos with Freddie Mercury and in it he could be so outrageous. His charisma was undeniable as was his comfort in being feminine. While he never came out, I think many would say he didn't have to as he was always out. In an interview he once responded to a question about his sexuality by saying, "I'm as gay as a daffodil, my dear?" 

You gotta remember that in the Summer of 2012 I was very much still a closet case. I had never told anyone anything and the loneliness I felt at nights stemmed at not being open about my sexuality. It felt real to me, as I was about to start my senior year at college with this big secret inside. Seeing Freddie Mercury own himself was super refreshing to me. I mean for goodness sake, Freddie and the rest of Queen dressed in drag in thier music video for "I want to Break Free"...everything about the lyrical content and video content was hella queer and closeted me at the time was living for it! 

Learning about Freddie also taught me about the HIV/AIDS crisis and the failed response to it by the U.S. government. At this point I realized that if I were to be gay, I would need to learn gay history and be ready to advocate for more than rights, but respect and visibility. I was getting closer to owning who I was as I became familiar with who Freddie was. 

In those long summer nights in D.C. I would also find myself watching my first gay film. Latter Days (2004). A film about a young Mormon missionary who would confront his sexual identity and come out. In the film, he was rejected by his father and mother and excommunicated from the church. The beautiful piece of this all was that he would be welcomed into a new family of individuals who housed him, provided him food, gave him work, and loved him relentlessly not by ignoring the fact that he was gay, but by embracing him completely. While I didn't know it then, this is what choosing a "Queer Family" was all about. I knew that if I were to come out, I needed to have people who loved me unconditionally. In 2012 as I look back I was well on my way in building that family. 

Being in D.C. was also my first Pride. A few of my peers and I decided to go to the Fox and Hound bar and we sat and watched the Pride parade as we enjoyed drinks. My friends didn't know then, but I was dying inside hoping to get closer to the parade, hoping to be as fearless as those who were in the floats, hoping to be as free as those whom we were watching. I have no doubt that if I were to have come out at that very moment that those around me would have accepted me, but it was that nagging fear of rejection and isolation that terrified me. It would take another year before I mustered the courage to do so. 

The Summer of 2012 was a wild time for me. I would meet amazing people. I would become desperately close to voicing what I knew was so very true about me. I would leave that Summer more sensitive and more connected to the LGBTQIA+ community and had it not been for that summer and the time I spent exploring queer artists and films, I might have come out much later than I would. 

I write this post with sensitivity in knowing Luis isn't here in this world anymore. This post is more of a letter to him...giving voice to thoughts I should have shared with him when he was with us in this world. Nonetheless, a note of thanks...

Luis!

You always cross JQ's and my mind anytime we find ourselves in Boystown in Chicago...literally everytime. We can be closing out Roscoes or crossing the street from Progress towards Fantasy and you know for a fact that either Jose or I are going to say your name as we pass by where you used to work. You might be surprised or not surprised to know that. I think I speak for both us, knowing you made us better. 

Having met you at 7th grade I quickly got close to you and Ingrid. We always seemed to have our things together for class and I do like to think we genuinely enjoyed being in class together. Of course you and Ingrid were moved to another class at one point because ya'll were the smart ones! :) You probably didn't know that you were the first person I knew who was queer. I remember you first came out to me via MySpace messages when we were just starting high school. At the time I knew that I also was queer but did not have the courage to ever share that out. I saved your message and kept looking at it in admiration that someone like me at that young age could just come out and figure it out. While I never told you- you being out when we were so young was the coolest thing. 

I also want to say thank you for chatting with me a lot when I finished graduate school. We reconnected in 2015 after years of not talking and you were quick to invite me out and introduce me to your friends as I shared I really didn't have much of a queer group I could be with in Chicago. More importantly you invited me out to go out and enjoy the gay scene in the city. At a time when I had just finished coming out to everyone in my immediate family, you provided me with a queer connection as I figured out my situation. You were a person whom I knew then that if things didn't go well with family I could go to you for love.

While it's been just over a year since your passing...it's obvious from your Facebook wall that you are loved, missed, and often remembered. You are a beautiful example of a young, strong, and unapologetic latino queer person.

In one of our last conversations we had prior to your passing- you shared with me that it made you happy to see me working with students. I hope you know I'm trying to teach through example. I am trying to be a fairy godmother to young queer people like us. I want them to know they are loved, that they belong, and that there is nothing wrong in being different. I want them to feel all of the love that perhaps we could have felt sooner, I want them to feel the love they should have felt and known from day 1.

Luis, your presence always drops in and will forever drop in. You were the first queer person I knew and will always be of the original beacons of hope for me when I was a teenager. My love to you, to your family, to your mother, and to all who miss your presence in this world. 

As I said when you passed, I hope you found the prettiest unicorn in heaven to ride on top of all of the clouds! You were a trailblazer for me. You taught me how to love myself as an adult by loving and respecting yourself as a teenager. Thank you!

It's June 1st! Happy Pride Month to all- even those who aren't for us...I'll think of ya'll when I'm doing some hella queer things this month. :) 

As promised to myself...I want to open up and write down pieces of my own journey of owning my queer identity. Doing this during PRIDE is something I hope helps ground me but also celebrate how far things have come and give love to all those who helped make the journey a little less scary. 

Understanding my journey means understanding the moment when I first knew something was different for myself. Growing up the youngest of four brothers I was often bullied by my siblings for any given reason at any given point of time. I always understood it as being something that just happens amongst siblings. The bullying, name calling, whatever you want to call it almost always centered around me being feminine or not masculine enough. I was called "faggot", "sissy", "queer", "cocksucker" "maricon", "joto",etc. All of these words have a sting to them till this very day...even queer which I now actively use, was a word that made me feel a certain way until recently. Hearing these words thrown at me at any given point at such a young age angered me. It frustrated me that no matter what I did, it was always "gay" amongst my siblings. There were moments where I knew I couldn't keep my anger in and I would blow up at my brothers- the whole water works and at times punching them because of how angry I was. 

Combining the name-calling with my self-realization that I was indeed different hit me when I was 6 years old or so. I remember watching the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers with my siblings and we all had a ranger we loved. What was different though was that they all had an obsession with Kimberly, the Pink Ranger because of how "hot" she was...while yours truly had an obsession with Jason, the Red Ranger. At 6 years old, I already knew that something was different for me, I had an attraction to another male, while I didn't know what exactly I was attracted to, I knew it was something that felt normal and natural to me. Of course, none of this was something I could ever share with my siblings, they couldn't find out that my supposed liking of the Pink Ranger was all a lie. I would continue playing along with my siblings that I would watch the Power Rangers not because of the cute Red Ranger, but because of the Pink Ranger. 

Of course, a young child reaches his breaking point and it must have been a harsher name-calling roast my brothers were having on me when I remember snapping and crying because I was tired of being tormented and being called a "sissy" or "faggot". Mind you, my parents didn't know English so well...I give my parents grace for not knowing that I was being bullied or teased as they had no idea what these words meant or how deep they could cut. As I cried in this specific occasion, I remember going to the kitchen where my mom was making dinner. I remember crying to her that I was tired of them making fun of me, that I would do nothing and they would still tease me. Of course, a brother in particular I remember responding telling my mother, "if he wouldn't do gay things, we wouldn't call him gay." Mind you, I think back now and wonder, what the fuck was I doing then that made me "gay" to them. I had thier hand me down toys, their clothes, I knew of no one who was gay, nor did I have a remote idea of what it meant to be gay at the moment, yet it was something my brothers were not ok with and teased me about it. 

My mother knew that whatever was happening wasn't ok. I was desperate for affirmation and for an end to the teasing and my mom responded in a way that left me shocked and would forever remain with me as I grew up and continued to figure stuff out. She responded to my brother, "Si asi lo mando Dios, que quieres que haga? (If that's how God sent him, what do you want me to do?).

Maybe it was my mother's intuition that made her aware that something was indeed diferent with me. Maybe it was my mom's attempt at just shutting us all up before my dad got home from work as she made dinner. Regardless of what the reasoning was, I was too afraid to ask what she meant, and yet it became a source of comfort for me in the long years to come. 

To my mom, our relationship would grow and have it's moments of anger...where assumptions would shake us and make us both fear of what the future might look like. At such an early age, while I didn't know then what made me different, your words brought me calm, that whatever it was that made me feel different, that it was something that couldn't be bad...that made me feel that who I was could be yet another natural human design by God. 

To my brothers, your words hurt me so much when I was young. There is a reason why I am hella sensitive nowadays to a lot of what is said about LGBT folks. This is the reason why I have no issue blowing up and physically fighting ya'll because I don't want to be disrespected or made to feel like who or what I am is wrong in my adult life. I also know ya'll have come a long way and trust me when I say that I am grateful. Perhaps it was the teasing at such a young age that has given me the grit to live and work in places I never thought I would...whatever the case, I do know that who I am and what I do is impacted and empowered by what I lived. Each of ya'll have, granted on your own timelines, shown me a love that I know is there. 

Yesterday I mentioned marriage equality as one of the major issues that took the spotlight on LGBTQIA+ rights just a few years ago. While it isn't the only issue, it very much was a defining issue within the last few years. Once marriage equality was achieved, weddings, proposals, partnerships officially sanctioned by the government were celebrated nationwide. It's important to note, civil unions, partnerships, agreements, etc. had existed in some capacity and with a lot of variation prior to marriage equality being achieved between same sex partners. 

A younger gay me found myself swallowed up by the excitement around being able to get married with all the legal protections it brought. How did I take on this excitment?...I watched and continue to watch same sex wedding and engagement videos. Jess Glynne's "Hold My Hand" is one of the many songs that sticks out to me (likely because it's featured in so many of these videos on YouTube). A love song that, to me, meant realizing myself in a marriage for the first time at a time when it wasn't legal everywhere in the U.S. It's a fun and loving song, one that is timeless on my playlist! Enjoy the tune, and enjoy a few of the many available engagement/wedding videos set to this track! :) 

Before I forget...the man at minute 4:13 on the right watching his friends in the first video below is literally me anytime I watch videos like this... :) Enjoy!! 

Another American Idol on here...Adam Lambert! After his run on American Idol and releasing a few records, Lambert found himself to be one of the few (if not only) openly gay artists I was aware as I grappled with my sexual identity. It was his song, "Outlaws of Love" in his Trespassing album that stuck out to me. 

While there was never a music video released for it- you'll find various lyric videos and a few live performances of the song. This song was definitely a song you could find 2013-2015 me crying myself to sleep to at night. While I don't think I would label what I went through some moments as symptoms of depression, I definitely was familiar with the unending sadness that can come from a sense of loneliness and fear of rejection. When you coupled those personal feelings with at the time the raging conversation surrounding marriage equality you found the perfect recipe for me to lay late at night listening to this song on repeat. 

"Outlaws of Love" speaks to the queer experience at the time of not having a place where acceptance was the norm and bullying and unequal treatment was a thing of the past. The context of the time also lends the lyrical content to the fight for marriage equality. The desire/hope to have a place where all partners could have a place to be themselves, "to grow old" together. It speaks to the real viewpoints of those opposing marriage equality that same sex couples and individuals would find themselves in Hell. 

"Everywhere we go we're looking for the sun
Nowhere to grow old, we're always on the run
They say we'll rot in Hell, but I don't think we will
They've branded us enough, "Outlaws of Love"" 

It ultimately is what I felt the whole time as the news, organizations, politicians, whoever had the platform at the time to voice an opinion made me feel. What folks sometimes don't realize is that when you're debating a sociocultural issue, like in this case, marriage equality, it is so fucking exhausting to hear it, be part of it, and have to defend it. It is especially exhausting when it is you who has the most to win or lose. To have to sit back and hope that those in power will one day come to embrace you while you let yourself be vulnerable in the hope of changing hearts and minds is oppressive. In the end, I've come to believe that being that person who is willing to be vulnerable with the understanding that one might get derailed, ignored, or at worse denied one's reality is worth it if those who come after us don't have to do the same themselves. It's the nature of the work. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe future me will come back and call this trash (which is honestly very much a me thing to do now)...what I do know is that it's critical to respect the emotions one feels at the moment for equality. If you feel sad, be sad, if you feel angry, be angry, if you feel happy, be happy. We can't move beyond the feelings of now without respecting and living through them. Listening to "Outlaws of Love" allowed me to feel what I needed to feel at a time where I had very limited outlets of doing so. It allowed me a sanctuary to let my heart feel what it needed to feel. "Outlaws of Love" now is very much a nostalgic tune for me, a tune that speaks to a very different me and a different time which is so weird when you think about how recently the song was released. 

In the second chorus, Lambert sings:

"Scars make us who we are
Hearts and homes are broken, broken
Far, we could go so far
With our minds wide open, open..."

As I continue to evolve and learn and as I continue to lend and retract my voice and presence from conversations depending on my own positionality and whether I am helpful or not, I do know that as much of a cliche it is, open minds do take us to places that challenge our assumptions and identity. I hope to continue to lean into different people's stories with the purpose of making things better. I do hope to go far, not only as a queer person or community, but to go far as a collective people wishing all people equal and equitable treatment for a worthwhile and dignified life. 

Check out the acoustic performance of the tune below!

Gloria Trevi, the Mexican Madonna for those who aren't familiar with her story, her music, and her image! Gloria Trevi has long been an outspoken supporter of LGBTQIA+ rights from the early days of her career in the late 80s and 90s. While she has often been in the spotlight for a wide range of controversies (look her up...she's been in jail in Brazil, accused of corrupting youth, etc.) she has always stood as an ally to queer individuals. Her support was solidified in the release of her song, "Todos Me Miran" or "Everyone Looks at Me" as part of her push to break back into the mainstream Latin pop genre. She would find tremendous success in this effort. 

In her music video for the song you find Trevi dancing with a man who ultimately hits her. Trevi begins singing her track while another man collapses in front of another man and begins to cry and his tears fall on the shoes of the man sitting. Shortly after he begins to dress up in drag. (I get it- at this point you're probably tired of how there's yet another mention of a man in drag...I would say this is going to be the last time I mention it but I'd be lying :)). I would argue this experience is different in that you have Trevi singing a dialogue speaking to what I would argue is society's patriarchal expectation and its narrow definition of masculinitiy. At :45 you have the man in drag walk out of the dark room from where he was previously crying. I see this as a departure and liberation from societal norms for men and masculinity. Later in the video you have Trevi also dress up and walk out of a dark room leaving a man behind...as a parallel of what I would understand how liberation of men from toxic masculinity is connected to the liberation of women from patriarchal and sexists limitations. You ultimately find both individuals- the man in drag and Trevi walking through town confidently and with charisma while everyone looks at them. 

The video is a fun one to watch as you witness both the man and Trevi's liberation. In addition, it's neat to see the song that cemented Trevi's support for LGBTQIA+ issues in the modern mainstream era. Nowadays you'll find lots of gay/queer Latinx spaces often playing her music. You'll also likely see some sort of drag queen performance of her music. One of my fondest memories is a time in Mexico City in the Zona Rosa (the queer district there) when a good friend of mine and I went to a karaoke bar and found it to be a hub for Trevi impersonations and it was the coolest thing in the world. Trevi has so much more music beyond this and continues to show her support for queer folks. You'll see her perform this song live mashed with Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" which is another major queer anthem. You can also check out and follow her fascinating story in the biopic, "Gloria" on Netflix! While her work is in Spanish, her impact can be felt beyond Latinx communities. Enjoy the video below!

Chicago singer Jennifer Hudson came through for the LGBTQIA+/Queer community in 2015 with this music video. It was released shortly before same-sex marriage was legalized in the U.S. by the Supreme Court. While the lyrical content is more oriented as a love song, the video content is what makes this stand out to me. 

Context for those who don't know- the summer of 2015 was a suprisingly lonely summer for me despite having finished graduate school, despite having been hired for my first full time professional job in a dream state, and despite being back living with my siblings after having come out. I didn't realize, nor did I fully understand the impact of not having open communication with my father. After coming out to him in Spring 2015 we didn't talk. He didn't attend my master's graduation. I didn't reach out. More on that will come at a later post...so stay tuned. This video reminds me a lot of that summer because I listened to it on repeat in the basement fixated on what I hope will be my future at some point.

In the video you have a gay couple in the hours leading to thier wedding reception. You have one of the men call and leave a voicemail for thier father following up on the wedding invitation...he ends the call with "...despite everything...I still love you." The video breaks into J-Hud doing her part in singing while the men prepare for the wedding date. All while this is going on, the father picks up the wedding invitation he stored away in a dresser. 

Moving forward you have moments where there is a desire to have a relationship, when the Black father arrives to give his son a hug you see a desire from his partner of wanting a relatioship like that with his own father. Shortly the missing father arrives in his old pick up truck which might speak to the generational difference in views on sexuality as to why there was a strained relationship between himself and his son. You see the father nervously prepare himself to leave his truck and enter the reception, looking confused and perhaps overwhelmed. Once at the reception you see the father and son hug and embrace one another thus helping start the healing thier relationship. I should note that in the land of music videos...healing relationships happens in a matter of minutes and not weeks, months, and years like in the real world. :)  

You ultimately end the video with more queer imagery. It took me a year to realize that Manila Luzon (one of many Rupaul Drag Race drag queens who would go on to reach a level of gay celebrity status) was in the video dancing with J-Hud. You also see Shaun Ross, a pansexual model with albinism who also is featured in a multitude of music videos and modeling agencies. You see non-conforming and queer people in attendance. One aspect I don't want to look past is that this was also an interracial marraige! This is HUGE considering how racist the gay community is...especially when gay men feel it's ok to post or say that they don't want to talk to black or brown gay men on dating sites or on grindr (I refuse to say grindr is a dating site). Their racism is hidden behind the language of "preference" and not the fact that they refuse to accept thier standard for beautiy is socialized by the heavily white eurocentric standards imposed on us by society....haha I'm not bitter at all. 

Anywho- I've blabbed a lot on this video...if you're someone who is working through a relationship with a family member, close friend, or like this video, a father- know that things can get better. At the same time...queer people have the ability to choose a new family, a new friend, a new community that loves you for being you. Much love to the world! 

Freddie Mercury, lead singer of British rock band, Queen, had a very short lived...but I would argue a vulnerable solo career. In this video you have Freddie donning the "Castro Clone" look which at the time was all the rage among gay men- especially in San Francisco's Castro district (the gay neighborhood there). Similar to yesterday's post with Rupaul's "Free to be" video, you have an emergence of queer imagery, individuals, and spirit. Mind you this was recorded several years before Ru's video was released. 

The video is also signficant in that it was recorded in Munich, Germany during Mercury's 39th birthday celebration. In the video you'll see several queer subgroups represented: leather, drag queens and kings, gender non-confirming individuals, furries, etc. Again, looking at the context and time- in the midst of the world-wide gay movement, Mercury while never being a typical advocate for queer rights, did his part in bringing visibility to several groups. It's worthwhile noting that HIV/AIDS was wrecking many queer lives at the time which was made worse by the lack of urgency of world governments, including the U.S. This is especially significant as Mercury would succomb to AIDS several years later.  

While the song is set to a dance oriented rhythm, you'll see the lyrics connect back to what can be the harsh realities of living a queer or LGBTQIA+ life. This is especially true if individuals have not shared this part of themselves to those around them. Note Mercury's line "Got to be some some good times ahead"...despite the emphasis on being on thier own there is optimism for what will come along. The lyrics when fused with the imagery of the video paint a picture of the good that can occur when accepting or living openly about one's liberation. 

Selected lyrics:

"Sometimes I feel I'm gonna break down and cry (so lonely)
Nowhere to go, nothing to do with my time
I get lonely, so lonely, living on my own
Sometimes I feel I'm always walking too fast (so lonely)
And everything is coming down on me, down on me
I go crazy, oh so crazy, living on my own (living on my own)
Dee do de de, dee do de de
I don't have no time for no monkey business
Dee do de de, dee do de de
I get so lonely lonely lonely lonely yeah Got to be some good times ahead"