Coming Out to Mom

I finished my last fall semester of graduate school…and I finished reading Robbie Roger’s “Coming Out to Play” I was boarding a place to fly out to San Antonio, Texas in my yearly December trip to Mexico to visit my parents and be with my family for the holidays. I was excited. It had been months since all of my family had been together. At this point we weren’t even together for other holidays such as Thanksgiving as my parents had moved back to their homeland in Mexico. I was eager to eat well, catch up, see my grandma, and be with my siblings.

I would spend a lot of time thinking over and over to myself, “time is slipping away and if I’m going to hit my self-imposed goal of coming out to everyone in my family before I finish my master’s program, than I needed to find the courage to do so. I would spend roughly over a week in Mexico. We celebrated Christmas and New Years while I was down there. There I decided that I would come out to my mom. I decided it was time for me to invite her into this part of my life.

I was terrified again.

I didn’t know what would happen. I had dreams all the time of rejection and being kicked out of the family. I couldn’t bring myself to envision a scenario where I wouldn’t feel some level of resistance from my mom. I had no idea what she thought of LGBTQIA+ identifying people. Despite having an early childhood memory of her defending me amongst my siblings, I didn’t know what would happen.

Once in Mexico I reread several passages from Robbie’s book. I needed inspiration, and needed to know that and see repeatedly that there was hope. In “Coming Out to Play” Robbie came out to his family by writing letters to each of them. I decided this would be the way I would tell my mom.

I spent my evenings writing and rewriting what would be my coming out letter to my mom. I struggled immensely with it. What did I want to say in it, what did I want her to feel, and how much of the hurt and fear that I had inside me did I want to share with her.
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The night came where my mom and I would be alone. We were watching television…Running Wild with Bear Grylls. That night, Channing Tatum and Zac Efron were the celebrities on the show and boy did we enjoy the show. It was late and my mom said she was going to get ready for bed. I decided to grab my tablet where I had written my letter and quickly reread it to make sure it was exactly what I wanted my mom to know. She came back to the kitchen and I said to her that I wanted to make myself some green tea. I asked her if she wanted a cup and she said no. I set the water to boil, put the tea bag into my mug and as soon as the water was hot enough I poured it in the mug. I told her, “Ma, tengo algo que escribe que quiero que usted lo leir” (Mom, I wrote something that I want you to read”. She said if it was ok if she took it to her bedroom to read and I said yes. I told her I would stay in the kitchen whenever she was done. She took it and I waited in the kitchen. This is what the letter read (scroll down for the English version):

Ma,
Ay una cosa que le quería decir y que yo mismo me promete que le iba decir antes que me regresaba a Wisconsin. Los días que voy yo estar en México se me acaban más pronto que esperaba. Lo que le voy a decir se lo dije a Lalo en el Agosto de 2013. Le dije a Lalo una noche después que los fuimos a una cantina y los pasamos la noche muy bien. El apoyo que yo ha recibido de Lalo me dar esperanza que todo me va ir bien.

Toda mi vida me lo ha pasado como el más inteligente, como el más educado de todos y es algo que le doy gracias a usted, a pa, a Andy, Eddie, y Freddy y a Dios. No sé cómo usted va reaccionar con lo que le voy a decir. Ahorita mismo estoy nervioso y tengo miedo que no me va aceptar en la misma manera que siempre me han recibido. 

Espero y le ruego a Dios que me aceptar, porque sin usted, no sé qué hago.

Ane mejor usted ya sabía, o usted sospechaba, pero le quiero decir que yo soy gay. Toda mi vida me lo ha pasado triste y deprimido pensando porque soy hace. Yo me ha pasado noches sin dormir, noches con sueños feos que me despertaba nervioso y sueños felices que siempre tenían a varios personas importantes para mí de la familia. Hacer gay es algo que en primero no quería ser. Siempre luche para ser “normal”.  Yo ha llegado a un tiempo en mi vida donde sé que Dios me eso gay. Dios hace a todos diferentes, pero perfectos. Dios no hace errores. Dios no me hizo gay para darme una vida triste. Dios me hizo gay porque quería que me pasaba mi vida feliz. Yo no decide ser gay, yo naci gay, y he sabido que soy gay desde que era un niño chiquito.

El razón que yo le escribe esto y no se lo dije en persona es porque yo sé que no le podría decir a su cara por lo nervios que tengo. 

Yo ya les dije a mis amigos de Loras College y todos mi han apoyado como nunca crei que me iban apoyar. Todos mis profesores, supervisores, amigos, y amigas en Wisconsin y Washington D.C. también saben y como mis amistades en Loras College, mi han apoyado como nunca crei. Espero que es lo mismo con usted, pa, Andy, y Freddy.

Yo me quiero hacer libre de este secreto. Quiero ser libre por fin y vivir mi vida en la manera que Dios y yo quiero. Mi plan es decirle a Andy, Freddy, y pa antes que acabe estudiar en Wisconsin. A mí no me importa si usted le decir a abuelita o a Tía, nomás no quiero que le diga a Freddy, Andy, o pa. Yo les quiero decir a ellos yo mismo. Hacer gay es algo que ahorra yo tengo mucho orgullo de hacer, igual en la misma manera que yo tengo orgullo hacer Mexicano, Americano, estudiante de primer generación, hijo, hermano, y tio.

Yo sé que esto va hacer duro para usted. No es fácil o bueno esconde un secreto. Espero que usted me amara en la misma manera que me amaba antes que le escribe esta letra. Yo sé que ane mejor se va sentir triste, añojada, o decepcionaba, y por eso me siento mal. Quiero que sepa, que no importa cómo reaccionar usted, yo siempre le voy a amar como mi madre.

La quiero mucho, y le prometo no tener un secreto tan grande como esto en mi vida otra vez. 


English Translation

Ma, 
There is something I want to tell you that I promised myself I would tell you before I left back to Wisconsin. The time I'm spending in Mexico is slipping away much quicker than I thought. What I am about to tell you is something I told Lalo (Lalo is Eddie's nickname) back in August 2013. I told Lalo one night after we went to a bar and had a nice night out. The support I've recieved from Lalo gives me hope that everything will go well for me. 

All my life I've been referred to as the smart one, the most educated in the family and that's something I give thanks to you, dad, Andy, Eddie, Freddy, and God. I don't know how you're going to react to what I am about to share. At this very moment I am nervous and I am afraid that you won't accept me in the same way that you've always accepted me. I hope, and pray to God, that you'll accept me because without you, I don't know what I'd do. 

Maybe you know this already, or maybe you suspected, but what I want to tell you is that I am gay. All my life I've spent so much of my time sad and depressed thinking why I was the way that I am. I have spent many nights with no sleep, nights with nightmares that would wake me up to a shaky and nervous body and nights with dreams who had important family members in them. Being gay was something I didn't want to be at first. I always tried to be "normal" I've come to a point in my life where I now know God made me gay. God makes everyone different and perfect. God doesn't make errors. God did not make me gay to give me a terrible and sad life. God made me gay to make sure I had a happy life. I didn't decide to be gay, I was born gay and I've known I was gay since I was a little boy. 

The reason I wrote this and didn't tell you in person is because of how nervous I am. 

I've already told me friends at Loras College and all of them have supported me in a way I never thought they would. All of my professors, supervisors, friends in Wisconsin and Washington D.C. know as well, and like my friends at Loras, they too have supported me in a way I never imagined. I hope that's the same case for you, dad, Andy, and Freddy. 

I want to be free of this secret. I want to be free for once and live my life the way God and I want. My plan is to tell Andy, Freddy, and dad before I finish my graduate program in Wisconsin. I don't care if you tell grandma or my aunt, just don't tell Freddy, Andy, or dad. I want to tell them myself. Being gay is something now that I am very proud of in the same way that I am proud of being Mexican, American, a first generation college student, son, brother, and uncle. 

I know this will be hard for you. It isn't easy or good to hide a secret. I hope you love me the same way you did before I wrote this to you. I know you might feel sad, angry, disappointed, and because of that I feel bad. I want you to know, no matter how you might respond, I will always love you as my mother. 

I love you so much and I promise to not have a big secret like this in my life again. 
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The longest half hour took over. I chugged my boiling hot tea. I had a Fitbit that could read my heartrate at the time and while I waited for my mom to come out my heartrate war elevated according to it. I didn’t need the Fitbit to tell me that though…as my heart was racing, my hands felt shaky and I felt sick like I was going to vomit. What was ultimately a half hour felt like hours sitting there in silence.

My mom finally came out of her bedroom. She handed me the tablet. She said to me, “no quiero que le digas a nadien, no quiero que le digas a tu papa, y no se porque les ha dicho a tanta gente ya.” ( I don’t want you to tell anyone, I don’t want you to tell your dad, and I don’t know why you’ve told so many people.” I listened, I didn’t know what to say, I was stunned. She continued, “Nosotros no te mandamos a una Universidad catolica pa que salieras con estas cosas, por eso te gustaba estar aya y no con nosotros, no me digas que vas a querer una peluca y tacones tambien.” (We didn’t send you to a Catholic College for you to come back like this, no wonder you always wanted to be there instead of being with us, don’t tell me that you’re going to want a wig and heels soon too). I listened with no tears. I listened and weirdly felt a sense of relief…that’s right a sense of relief. She ended with, “Ya apaga todo y vete a dormer!” (turn everything off and go to bed).

I sat in the kitchen. Speechless. Stunned. Tired. Relieved. You’re probably wondering how I could have had a sense of relief…well keep in mind that I thought she was going to disown me and kick me out. While what she said to me and how she responded was in no way a full and loving embrace, I took relief knowing that I at least still had a place to stay. Was I sad? Absolutely. Was I angry? Yes. Did I wish I had a happily ever after moment with my mom then and there? Yes. I didn’t get that then and I wouldn’t get it overnight.

That night I stayed in the kitchen for another 10-15 minutes or so. I sat in silence until I finally brought myself to get up and go to bed that night. All I remember was laying there with at least the relief in my head that I had finally come out to my mom. No matter the response from her, I had made progress towards my goal.
The next day we acted like nothing had happened. We went to Eagle Pass, Texas to go grocery shopping and would of course spend almost 3 hours waiting to cross back into the United States because of the delay at the border check. We spoke zero words to one another.

Two days later I found myself on the trip back to Chicago. I was dropped off at the San Antonio Airport by my parents. As I was getting my luggage to enter the airport at the passenger departure drop off I give my dad and my mom a hug goodbye. My mom gives a strong hug goodbye to me and says to me, “nunca estas solo mijo, yo siempre estoy contigo” (you’re never alone, I am always with you). I remember giving her a kiss and walking into the airport with tears in my eyes. I looked like an emotional wreck to anyone who saw me at the airport.
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My relationship with my mom would improve significantly in the months and years to come. Let me be clear that it wasn’t a smooth ride towards a happy sunset with us. We had moments where she screamed at me, where I screamed at her. We had moments where I hung up on the phone on her and stopped talking to her for months at a time. It would be tough. I missed her immensely, she was the one I felt the closest to my entire life, to not have her at several points made me incredibly sad. I made peace with the growing relationship with her. I told myself, if it took me 22 years to come around and finally accept myself and be ok with being gay, I couldn’t expect those around me to quickly accept who I was without giving them some grace to learn what this meant.

Today my relationship with my mom is the strongest it has ever been. In future posts, you’ll see how far we’ve come. I love my mother and I believe we had to live in the tension that we lived in order to get to where we are at today. While many hurdles still linger in my mind, I have no doubt our future is one of love and acceptance.
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To all the LGBTQIA+ identifying folks who might not have positive or any relationship with their mothers right away I hope you get to a place where you can have a relationship if you want it. To all the mothers in the world who have LGBTQIA+ identifying children, love them, be with them, and show them you’ll fight for them as you’ve likely done for them in other areas of their lives. If you don’t understand right away, that’s ok…but please act with grace and never dehumanize or make little the pain queer people endure. 

Momma Perez and I the morning after commencement at UW-La Crosse in May 2015 at the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe.