Coming Out to Eddie

Eddie and me at my hooding ceremony for my masters. In this picture I was out to everyone in 2015. There was a happy smile there...as I look back you can just tell things were good. :)

Coming out is quite the process I tell ya...

It was the summer of 2013 and I had just finished my undergraduate work at Loras College. I was living in River Falls, Wisconsin, about to embark on an incredible 2 year experience working towards my masters but also working towards my own liberation as I reflect back.

It was August of that summer and I had already come out to several of my closest friends in college. I remember drinking in my apartment and telling myself over and over again that I needed to do it. I couldn't tell you how often I played Macklemore and Ryan Lewis' "Same Love" as a way of pumping myself up to do so. For several of my close friends, the only way I could do it at the time was via text message. I came out to my friends throughout that summer. By the time August came around, my closest Loras friends knew, and in Wisconsin, my new friends (my fellow graduate cohort members) found out one drunken night at Ground Zero ($5 long islands have a way of getting to me). At this point I had no negative reactions. Everyone was positive, every friend was loving. I did have two moments where people hadn't seen my text message coming out to them and they felt guilty by responding so late that they assumed I thought I had percieved their delayed response as rejection. Little did those folks know that a drunk me has zero concept of time and what might have been an hour delay response time for them felt like seconds to me. :) 

I had finally done it. I had finally come out to my closest circle of friends at the time. I remember thinking alright, now that these folks know, it won't be long until the rest of my friends from Loras would find out. I never felt compelled to make a statement, I knew natural human behavior would take hold and my friends would slowly spread the news that I was gay. 

It was also in August that I finally began to understand what I wanted my role to be in the future. I was going to earn my masters in student affairs administration. I wanted to specifically work in diversity and inclusion work. I knew that if I wanted to be a credible voice in this field, I had to live out what I would eventually ask of those whom I had a platform to speak with. I could not be a closeted gay man if I were going to tell students that they could be open and out. I had to align who I was saying we should all be, with who I actually was. Coming out to my friends felt so good. I was happy. I felt the weight of the world removed. Thier acceptance meant the world. I no longer stayed awake at night thinking about whether my friends would still love me and want to be connected to me. I was beginning to allow myself to live authentically. 

That meant, I had to begin the process of coming out to not only my friends, but my family as well. Again, it was August 2013 and it was the last free weekend I had before move in would happen at UW- River Falls, and really before my coursework would begin. I decided to take a trip to visit my brothers in Cicero. My parents were gone in Mexico and the only folks at our childhood home would be my brothers: Eddie, Andy, and Freddy. On the Saturday night of that weekend, I invited Eddie to come with me for drinks with my friends Jordan and Garrett. We went to a bar in Lakeview somewhere...we of course had a goodtime and enjoyed a few drinks. Knowing I had to leave the next day to Wisconsin it would be an early night. Eddie and I left and we drove and we listened to music as we always do on blast. I vividly remember jamming to Queen's "The Show Must Go On" Macklemore's "Same Love" and FUN's "We Are Young". As we got close to our exit, Eddie asked if I was hungry and I said yes. We went to DiNico's pizza as they are open super late. We got slices to go. 

We arrived and we ate our pizza in the back porch. He ate his slice and said he was going to bed. At this point, I was drunk enough to feel the same courage I needed the previous times to come out. As he got up to go to bed, I tell him that he should stay back because I needed to tell him something. Mind you, at this point my heart was beating out of my chest. I was terrified. I had chosen Eddie to be the first in the family to know because of how loving he always was. He always played the role as a mediator for our family and I knew that I would need that as I continued coming out. I knew I needed to start with him. If he could know, and if he could be an ally, I knew the rest would be easier. 

He didn't want to stay back and hang out with me in the porch. To his defense it was indeed getting late as I remember it being past 2am already. He said he was going to bed again, and again I said no, don't leave me. He said, well tell me what you're going to tell me. I responded with a nervous laughter saying I would tell him but he needed to sit down. He laughed and said that he was going to bed. At this point, my heart was just completely fucked. I either screamed or at least I felt like I screamed that I was serious that I needed him to sit down. At this point, I was crying. I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by what I was hoping to do. I was balling my eyes out and he must have known that whatever I was going to share that it was serious enough for me to want to tell him. He sat down and Eddie, like me, is an empath. He can feel what others are feeling and perhaps that is why I decided to start with him. He told me, "dude what's going on, you can tell me." I eventually through the ugly crying told him, "I'm gay." 

I remember asking him questions as I cried. I asked him how he thought the rest of the family would respond to. I remember him saying that it might take a while, but that eventually all of them would still love me. I knew that would be the case. I knew that it wouldn't be the happily ever after gay coming out story. I knew I had to prepare for it. We finished talking for quite a bit. We would eventually have to wrap up our conversation as my oldest brother Andy would arrive from work in the middle of the night. I stopped saying anything and Eddie went off to talk to Andy as if nothing had just happened. I sat in the porch, relieved, happy, but also aware of what lied ahead. I was proud of myself. 

To Eddie...holy shit I was T E R R I F I E D of how you would respond. Even knowing that you were the most sensitive of us all in the family. I'm sure you saw or knew about me before I cared to admit it to myself. I know in the two years I was in grad school I saw how you came through and would defend LGBTQIA+ people to your friends and family. Believe me when I said, I noticed EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU SPOKE UP. You never outed me as far as I know when you did that. I knew you loved me as a brother, and I knew then that I could indeed go to you to talk about being gay. I was your youngest brother and was just trying to figure his shit out. You gave me peace of mind. I am grateful...

Coming out to Eddie would be the start of eventually coming out to the rest of my immediate family. There were moments from here on out that I would get angry with family. I would sometimes just disconnect and not talk to anyone, and this was mostly me trying to balance my needs of needing to be out and not wanting to be home closeted among those who were family. Once you're out in one of your lives, it becomes hard to go back in the closet when you're with people who don't know this about you. The two years it took me to come out to all of my family was exhausting, knowing I had one of my brothers at my back helped a lot and would be big in helping me in the future. 

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Eddie and I took a trip to Washington D.C. to see President Obama's 2013 Inauguration. Thanks to the folks I met during my stint out in D.C. in the summer of 2012 I was able to secure tickets to see the inauguration. What a trip it was...:)