Coming Out to Dad

April 10, 2015 in the early afternoon I had gone to the store to buy some jeans as I was about to leave in the next few days to Germany as part of my graduate school experience. I had a lunch meeting to discuss how my job interviews had gone with Cal Poly-SLO and the University of Nebraska-Omaha with my graduate advisor, Tori Svoboda. We met at Mainstreeters. There we chatted about the campuses and as we ended that conversation I decided to share with her that I was thinking it was time to come out to my dad. We chatted through my anxiety, fear, and hopes. 

We finished our meals and I reiterated with her that I wanted to come out to my dad as he was the one person left that I was most worried about. My timeline of coming out before finishing up my graduate program was coming to an end...in just a month I'd be done. As we chatted about I got a phone call, it was my father calling from Mexico. You might not think so, but in 2015 it was still tough (and really, sometimes it's still) to get cell phone service to work properly, it was also expensive. I answered and quickly told him that I'd call him back as I was having a meeting with my graduate advisor. I ended the phone call and looked at Tori and I remember her telling me that while she was never a believer of signs from the universe, she felt that my dad calling me, while I was talking about coming out to him, was a sign that perhaps it was time. In many ways, I think Tori served as a sponge for all of my anxiety and fear as I remember her taking a deep breath in front of me. 

We paid our bills and I gathered my items, I told her that I thought I was going to call my dad and just come out. I want to say I walk home, but I don't even remember how I got home...Tori might have given me a ride...it's hard to say, my mind was too distracted with building up my courage to finally have this conversation with my dad. 

Once home, I dropped my bags and grabbed my phone and rehearsed in my head what I wanted to say. I said to myself, "just do it, say the words and whatever happens, happens, you have your people who love you" I figured, if coming out didn't go well it'd be ok, I'd be on a plane traveling across the world with no easy access to phone or internet and if things went south I'd be disconnected and distracted enough in Germany that I think I thought any negative reaction would hurt less. 

I walked into my apartment bathroom, it was small, tan tiles on the floor and wall, with bright store lights as I was living in the complex director's apartment still. I grabbed my phone and called my dad's cell in Mexico. As it rang, my heart was racing, I paced back and forth in my bathroom (it was literally only like 4 feet in length, I'm sure I looked like a full). My dad finally answers the phone and we talk. He tells me what he's doing (again, no idea what anymore) and I tell him how I just got done having lunch and was looking forward to packing and getting things ready for the trip to Germany. We chatted for maybe 10 minutes when he shares that he needs to let me go as he is expecting people soon. At this point, I'm thinking to myself, "crap, I can't let this opportunity get away from me!" I remember nervously trying to stop him from hanging up and kept asking him what was new to which he responded repeatedly that nothing new outside of what he had shared with me was going on. He again moved to say that he needed to go, at this point I just say to him that I need to tell him something. He told me to tell him what was going on. I again said to him, "I have to tell you something" my voice begins to crack and I start crying. He responds to me with a worried voice to tell him what's going on, that it's ok. I went on to tell him that I loved him and that I'm grateful for everything he has done for me and that I hope that what I am about to tell him doesn't change things. At this point he tells me, "Serg, dime, que esta pasando?" (Serg, tell me, what's going on?" I am crying and I just say to him, "Soy gay" (I'm gay). Silence followed. I felt the world fall apart all around me. The silence, while it was only seconds, felt forver to me. He said nothing to me while I weeped on the otherside. I asked him, "que piensas?" (what are you thinking?) and again silence. Eventually, maybe 5 seconds or so later he finally responds crying to me "Esta bien" (it's ok). He repeated "esta bien" to me 3-4 times on the phone. I responded to him, "siempre pienso en ustedes, y los extrano mucho, los quiero mucho" (I'm always thinking of you all, I miss you all, I love you all) all in tears. He responded one more time, "Esta bien, despues hablamos" (it's ok, we'll talk later) and he ended the call. 

I left the bathroom and entered my bedroom. I cried on the bed, confused, not sure what I had just done, but also in sheer disbelief that I finally told him. I cried and cried. I grabbed my phone and immediately called Alicia Lynch and she picked up and all I said to her was, "Alicia.." through my crying and she immediately knew that something was wrong. I told her I had just come out to my dad and she comforted and affirmed me. I was in such a fucked up place in my bedroom but she helped calm me down then. I ended the call and sat in my bedroom. I was worried, my dad never cried and to hear him cry was something I hadn't experienced before. I needed to tell my mom what I did so she wouldn't be surprised in case my dad called her. I call her and she picks up and I tell her that I came out as gay to dad. She was angry with me, she repeated her lines she told me a few months prior that she didn't want me to tell anyone, that she didn't understand why I wanted people to know and that I should hide this. I at this point was angry and told her that I wasn't going to hide myself anymore, I hung up the phone call. She called me back repeatedly and I didn't answer. Thinking back, I didn't answer because I didn't want to say something I'd come to regret. 

Soon after I decided to call my oldest brother Andy. He and I had had a fight in January 2015 at the parking lot at Paisan's Pizza after he had called him a faggot. It was probably one of the bigger fights I ever had with him, it was bad enough that he walked home from the pizza joint while Eddie drove me home. Since the fight I didn't talk to him. I was tired of being called a faggot and to be honest it's a word I detest quite a bit, even with other gay or queer people use it I have a hesitation with it. So I call him and he answers and I tell him right away that I have something to tell him and I'm telling him because I want him to know and if he wants to be part of my life then he needed to know who I truly was. I tell him I was gay and his response to me was very non-chalant, he just says to me, "why are you telling me now?" Again, I reiterated that if we were going to be brothers who had a relationship than he needed to know. He simply said, "ok" and the conversation ended shortly after. It was whatever with him, which I appreciated it at the time. After hanging up the call with Andy I thought about calling Freddy to tell him, but I decided against it. I knew he probably wouldn't have kind words and decided to save myself the heartbreak and didn't call. I figured, he'll find out, he'll say his piece and I'm ok with him thinking what he thinks.

At this point, I was done. I finally hit my goal. I came out to everyone who I wanted to come out to in my family, to both mom and dad. I texted my friend Angela about it and she rushed over with a bottle of wine and pizza. Bless her. She was the first person to see what hot mess I was after having all of these conversations. She hugged me and we talked about what happened. I'm grateful to have had her at that moment.

I might have been all smiles here, but let's be real, my hair was tragic and there were tears still drying on my face. Angela, thank you for bringing me my favorite, dominos pizza, and a bottle of wine to do what I do best, eat and drink me emotions away. :)

Later that day I would be joined by my fellow graduate cohort at, you guessed it Mainstreeters. We drank, ate, and just spent time with each other. It's what I needed that night. In many ways, it was my cohort members who were there for me the moment I first said I was gay to the moment I told the last person whom I wanted to tell that I was gay. That night was also the night Jules showed up to show some love. While at the bar, Tori would also send me a lovely message affirming me and shared the following Brene Brown quote with me, which I now use today when working with young folks who are coming out.

A few days later I found myself in Germany. I met some cool people there and built stronger relationships with friends and colleagues now. Things would be ok. There were moments where I had to deal with some homophobic messages from people near and dear to me, but at this point I didn't care and ignored them. 

The following months would be different. While I was out, I now had to figure out how much of myself I was willing to be in front of my family. It wasn't just to be out, but it would be a disruption of the person whom my family thought they knew. The question of, "how gay could I be with them?" "could I talk about gay stuff around them?". I didn't know and it would be a while until I figured that out. I didn't talk to my dad for almost a year. The day I came out to him would be the last time we talked to each other until I visited Mexico for the following holidays. Once we saw each other we picked up where we left off. We never talked about me being gay again. I hope one day we do as I think there's so many pieces to me that I think he misses out on. I am hopeful that we'll get there. My relationship with my mom from this point would improve significantly over the months. I think she began to understand what my life was like and why it was important for me to be out. We became close again, slowly. 

The summer following my graduation from my master's program would be a fun one. It was finally the summer that I could be out and have no nerves about living a double life with my family. It was also the summer that gay marriage was made the law of the land across the country. It was a good time to be gay, it turned out to be the perfect time for me to be OUT and PROUD. 

As you can probably tell, my dad and I are completely different people, with different stories, and different interests...that difference has no bearing on the love we have though. We'll get to a place where we can chat about things, until then, we'll enjoy the moments we have together.