Later that day I would be joined by my fellow graduate cohort at, you guessed it Mainstreeters. We drank, ate, and just spent time with each other. It's what I needed that night. In many ways, it was my cohort members who were there for me the moment I first said I was gay to the moment I told the last person whom I wanted to tell that I was gay. That night was also the night Jules showed up to show some love. While at the bar, Tori would also send me a lovely message affirming me and shared the following Brene Brown quote with me, which I now use today when working with young folks who are coming out.

A few days later I found myself in Germany. I met some cool people there and built stronger relationships with friends and colleagues now. Things would be ok. There were moments where I had to deal with some homophobic messages from people near and dear to me, but at this point I didn't care and ignored them. 

The following months would be different. While I was out, I now had to figure out how much of myself I was willing to be in front of my family. It wasn't just to be out, but it would be a disruption of the person whom my family thought they knew. The question of, "how gay could I be with them?" "could I talk about gay stuff around them?". I didn't know and it would be a while until I figured that out. I didn't talk to my dad for almost a year. The day I came out to him would be the last time we talked to each other until I visited Mexico for the following holidays. Once we saw each other we picked up where we left off. We never talked about me being gay again. I hope one day we do as I think there's so many pieces to me that I think he misses out on. I am hopeful that we'll get there. My relationship with my mom from this point would improve significantly over the months. I think she began to understand what my life was like and why it was important for me to be out. We became close again, slowly. 

The summer following my graduation from my master's program would be a fun one. It was finally the summer that I could be out and have no nerves about living a double life with my family. It was also the summer that gay marriage was made the law of the land across the country. It was a good time to be gay, it turned out to be the perfect time for me to be OUT and PROUD. 

Molly Burrows Schumacher
You probably were the one who almost…just almost got me to say that I was gay while a student at Loras. I know for a fact you knew me better from the start. You were gentle yet firm in how you watched over me. Since I’ve know you you’ve always been someone who has helped me discern many things (whether it be the latest love/lust experience I have haha, family pieces, dreams, etc.). I am thankful you’ve allowed me to share my thoughts with you and guided me as best you could. I credit your empathy that allowed me to get a footing at Loras that would eventually inspire me to pursue a career in higher education.
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As I mentioned before, you were the one who almost got me to come out as a student. I vividly remember sitting in Jina’s office during my senior year a particular afternoon after sharing with you a dream I had the night before. You were firm and loving, but you said to me, “Is there something you’re struggling with about yourself that you want to share with us?” I’m sure that regardless of my response to your question, my face and body language gave it away. From that moment I thought to myself, “shit, Molly knows”. It wasn’t a “shit, I don’t trust Molly” it was a “shit, I’m not ready nor do I know what this means for me yet” thought. Moving into graduate school and now in my current role, you’ve been amazing, an avid supporter and advocate for those often forgotten or misunderstood. I am grateful that you hired me as an RA my sophomore year as I’m not sure what else I’d be doing today as a career. 

Alicia Lynch
The ever beautiful Alicia Lynch. You prepared me for life!!! I still remember the first time we met my junior year in Binz Hall. We did ice-breakers outside of Binz with the staff and I immediately felt comfortable and safe with you. You were the Latina role-model I needed at the time. You were so real, so transparent and so good to me. You helped me with everything, writing my first somewhat decent resume, doing mock interviews with me, you and Luke hooked me up with one of my favorite experiences in my life by connecting me to individuals that eventually allowed me to be in D.C., you were always there for me.
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You also showed up for me so many times after I finished at Loras. When I came out to my father in 2015, you were the first person I called and you listened to me ugly cry over the phone. You told me to calm down, you told me that things would be ok and repeatedly told me how much I was loved for who I was. As I write this, I have tears in my eyes thinking back to how you showed up for me then. I am so grateful to have met you and have you in my life. 

Kim Walsh
The marvelous Kim Walsh. I think I was the lucky student who happened to be in student life when you approached me about working for you my senior year with OrgSync on campus. I happily applied, interviewed, and I got the gig as your student worker my senior year. While I always knew who you were, it wasn’t until my senior year that I got to know and get close to you. Similar to everyone else I’ve mentioned, you always made me feel comfortable and at home. Whether it was active or passively, I knew you were accepting and loving of all students. It wasn’t a question of whether or not you communicated that you were LGBT friendly, it was on me and my readiness to understand and come out as who I authentically was.

It was also in Spring 2013 when I shared with you that I wanted to go into higher education and you helped lead the way with the rest of the group in preparing me for OPE and in finding the right program. I still remember Alicia giving me crap on a car ride back to Loras because I told you before I told her haha.
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You have been an ear and a shoulder for me while in my role at Loras. You’ve seen me cry when I felt helpless and ineffective, you’ve affirmed me and the direction I wanted to take the office, and have been a vocal supporter among colleagues of the need for diversity and inclusion…one that is inclusive of gender and sexual diversity. Thank you for always hearing out my work thoughts but also being someone I can tell anyone to regardless the weekend’s mischiefs. Love you!!

Tori Svoboda
Tori, my list of shout-outs would not be complete without talking about how much of a rock you were for me during graduate school. You literally taught me so much about listening, affirming, and showing up for people. You did it for me throughout my graduate career but also in my personal life then. I remember how happy you were for me when I told you I was beginning to come out to people. I remember how affirming you were in the fear and anxiety in a way that allowed me to clear my mind and begin to tell my story as I wanted it to be told.
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So much of what I do today and how I work with students is based off how you worked with me, and I am grateful. I will of course always remember the day you and I had lunch at Mainstreeters in April and I told you of my intention to come out to my dad. As soon as I was done telling you, my phone began to ring and it was my dad calling from Mexico. You said to me, “Sergio, I’m not a believer of things, but if there’s ever been a sign, that’s a sign that you should do it.” I finished my meal and would leave to do just that, come out to my dad. Once everything was over and I had done it you sent me a message that evening that I will forever remember. I was a mess and you came through then and always. You were my fairy godmother I needed during those years and I’ll never for that. 

Julie Phelps
Jules!!! What can I say other than you like others always showed up and gave me so much motherly care during my time at UWRF. You were real, you never sugar coated pieces and gave guidance that made sense. I can’t imagine how annoying I was. You always opened your home to me and the rest of the gang and always provided an ear. You also always entertained my stupid crushes and encouraged my obsession with celebrities like Zac Efron, Channing Tatum and my obsession with romance movies. :)

Jules, you also were absolutely amazing that same night I came out to my dad. I, being the well-rounded and mature human being that I was, quickly decided to address the entirety of my emotions by going to the bar. What did you do?...you showed up at Mainstreeters to spend time with me. I always will remember the joy others and I had when we saw you as you had never (at least I don’t think so) been out at the bars with us. To see you show up and give me a hug affirmed to me again that I was surrounded by amazing people like yourself. I am grateful, better, and more me because of you. Thank you!!

I'm currently watching Season 10 and am rooting for Asia O'hare...but I'm excited for the lip sync battles that determines the winner as I assume will be done this year as it was last year. In the performance I couldn't help but cheer for both, but break for Peppermint as she dominates Trinity towards the end of the song...and I should note that lip-syncing to a song by the Holy Spearit is a blessing and these queens did it justice! Check out the lip sync from last year's finale with Peppermint and Trinity Taylor! 
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Vito
"Vito" was a documentary I first watched on Netflix around the same time I was watching Queer as Folk. (Side note: for my fellow identity theory nerds...it was when I was immersed in all the queer shows, films, music, art, books, etc. that I found myself to be at Stage 5...Identity Pride when it came to being gay.)

This documentary focused on the life of Vito Russo, a gay activist and author of "The Celluloid Closet" that chronicled how LGBT characters were portrayed in Hollywood films. Watching this documentary led me to a rabbit hole of the invaluable research as to the development of stereotypes of queer people today. It made me aware of the need to make space for people of all queer identities to be who they wanted to be. If a gay man was feminine and was into the arts...let him be feminine and be into the arts. If a gay man was into sports and was super masculine, let him be into sports and be super masculine (just as long as it isn't toxic right?). At the same time, if someone wanted to bend and break the rules and be feminine and into sports, or more masculine and into the arts, then let them be. At the end of the day, the film made me aware of the stereotypes I might have been affirming that could be dangerous and harmful...but also gave me language and a lens to allow people to be who they felt was their most genuine self. Check out the trailer to the documentary below! 

Cuatro Lunas (Four Moons) 
Probably my favorite, if not one of my favorite Latinx queer films. Cuatro Lunas follows four different stories of acceptance that ultimately all become interwoven at the conclusion of the film. This is not a film you're able to watch without giving it all of your time and attention. This film specifically hits home with me when you have one of the characters attempt to come out to his mom...and at first the mom stops him before he could say it and tells her son that she doesn't want to know because she couldn't handle whatever he was going to say. As the movie progresses you have that same son deal with heartbreak and the mom welcomes him back in and comforts him by noting how he would one day find the right man who would appreciate him...and that she would be there to love and support him, thus recognizing her son was gay. Best believe when I first watched that scene your boy was crying her life away. It was good for my soul to begin to dive deep not only into gay films and shows, but also gay films that represented the Latinx experience as well. The first link showcases the scene I mention above and the second video is the trailer to the film. 

Ma,
Ay una cosa que le quería decir y que yo mismo me promete que le iba decir antes que me regresaba a Wisconsin. Los días que voy yo estar en México se me acaban más pronto que esperaba. Lo que le voy a decir se lo dije a Lalo en el Agosto de 2013. Le dije a Lalo una noche después que los fuimos a una cantina y los pasamos la noche muy bien. El apoyo que yo ha recibido de Lalo me dar esperanza que todo me va ir bien.

Toda mi vida me lo ha pasado como el más inteligente, como el más educado de todos y es algo que le doy gracias a usted, a pa, a Andy, Eddie, y Freddy y a Dios. No sé cómo usted va reaccionar con lo que le voy a decir. Ahorita mismo estoy nervioso y tengo miedo que no me va aceptar en la misma manera que siempre me han recibido. 

Espero y le ruego a Dios que me aceptar, porque sin usted, no sé qué hago.

Ane mejor usted ya sabía, o usted sospechaba, pero le quiero decir que yo soy gay. Toda mi vida me lo ha pasado triste y deprimido pensando porque soy hace. Yo me ha pasado noches sin dormir, noches con sueños feos que me despertaba nervioso y sueños felices que siempre tenían a varios personas importantes para mí de la familia. Hacer gay es algo que en primero no quería ser. Siempre luche para ser “normal”.  Yo ha llegado a un tiempo en mi vida donde sé que Dios me eso gay. Dios hace a todos diferentes, pero perfectos. Dios no hace errores. Dios no me hizo gay para darme una vida triste. Dios me hizo gay porque quería que me pasaba mi vida feliz. Yo no decide ser gay, yo naci gay, y he sabido que soy gay desde que era un niño chiquito.

El razón que yo le escribe esto y no se lo dije en persona es porque yo sé que no le podría decir a su cara por lo nervios que tengo. 

Yo ya les dije a mis amigos de Loras College y todos mi han apoyado como nunca crei que me iban apoyar. Todos mis profesores, supervisores, amigos, y amigas en Wisconsin y Washington D.C. también saben y como mis amistades en Loras College, mi han apoyado como nunca crei. Espero que es lo mismo con usted, pa, Andy, y Freddy.

Yo me quiero hacer libre de este secreto. Quiero ser libre por fin y vivir mi vida en la manera que Dios y yo quiero. Mi plan es decirle a Andy, Freddy, y pa antes que acabe estudiar en Wisconsin. A mí no me importa si usted le decir a abuelita o a Tía, nomás no quiero que le diga a Freddy, Andy, o pa. Yo les quiero decir a ellos yo mismo. Hacer gay es algo que ahorra yo tengo mucho orgullo de hacer, igual en la misma manera que yo tengo orgullo hacer Mexicano, Americano, estudiante de primer generación, hijo, hermano, y tio.

Yo sé que esto va hacer duro para usted. No es fácil o bueno esconde un secreto. Espero que usted me amara en la misma manera que me amaba antes que le escribe esta letra. Yo sé que ane mejor se va sentir triste, añojada, o decepcionaba, y por eso me siento mal. Quiero que sepa, que no importa cómo reaccionar usted, yo siempre le voy a amar como mi madre.

La quiero mucho, y le prometo no tener un secreto tan grande como esto en mi vida otra vez. 


English Translation

Ma, 
There is something I want to tell you that I promised myself I would tell you before I left back to Wisconsin. The time I'm spending in Mexico is slipping away much quicker than I thought. What I am about to tell you is something I told Lalo (Lalo is Eddie's nickname) back in August 2013. I told Lalo one night after we went to a bar and had a nice night out. The support I've recieved from Lalo gives me hope that everything will go well for me. 

All my life I've been referred to as the smart one, the most educated in the family and that's something I give thanks to you, dad, Andy, Eddie, Freddy, and God. I don't know how you're going to react to what I am about to share. At this very moment I am nervous and I am afraid that you won't accept me in the same way that you've always accepted me. I hope, and pray to God, that you'll accept me because without you, I don't know what I'd do. 

Maybe you know this already, or maybe you suspected, but what I want to tell you is that I am gay. All my life I've spent so much of my time sad and depressed thinking why I was the way that I am. I have spent many nights with no sleep, nights with nightmares that would wake me up to a shaky and nervous body and nights with dreams who had important family members in them. Being gay was something I didn't want to be at first. I always tried to be "normal" I've come to a point in my life where I now know God made me gay. God makes everyone different and perfect. God doesn't make errors. God did not make me gay to give me a terrible and sad life. God made me gay to make sure I had a happy life. I didn't decide to be gay, I was born gay and I've known I was gay since I was a little boy. 

The reason I wrote this and didn't tell you in person is because of how nervous I am. 

I've already told me friends at Loras College and all of them have supported me in a way I never thought they would. All of my professors, supervisors, friends in Wisconsin and Washington D.C. know as well, and like my friends at Loras, they too have supported me in a way I never imagined. I hope that's the same case for you, dad, Andy, and Freddy. 

I want to be free of this secret. I want to be free for once and live my life the way God and I want. My plan is to tell Andy, Freddy, and dad before I finish my graduate program in Wisconsin. I don't care if you tell grandma or my aunt, just don't tell Freddy, Andy, or dad. I want to tell them myself. Being gay is something now that I am very proud of in the same way that I am proud of being Mexican, American, a first generation college student, son, brother, and uncle. 

I know this will be hard for you. It isn't easy or good to hide a secret. I hope you love me the same way you did before I wrote this to you. I know you might feel sad, angry, disappointed, and because of that I feel bad. I want you to know, no matter how you might respond, I will always love you as my mother. 

I love you so much and I promise to not have a big secret like this in my life again. 
​

The longest half hour took over. I chugged my boiling hot tea. I had a Fitbit that could read my heartrate at the time and while I waited for my mom to come out my heartrate war elevated according to it. I didn’t need the Fitbit to tell me that though…as my heart was racing, my hands felt shaky and I felt sick like I was going to vomit. What was ultimately a half hour felt like hours sitting there in silence.

My mom finally came out of her bedroom. She handed me the tablet. She said to me, “no quiero que le digas a nadien, no quiero que le digas a tu papa, y no se porque les ha dicho a tanta gente ya.” ( I don’t want you to tell anyone, I don’t want you to tell your dad, and I don’t know why you’ve told so many people.” I listened, I didn’t know what to say, I was stunned. She continued, “Nosotros no te mandamos a una Universidad catolica pa que salieras con estas cosas, por eso te gustaba estar aya y no con nosotros, no me digas que vas a querer una peluca y tacones tambien.” (We didn’t send you to a Catholic College for you to come back like this, no wonder you always wanted to be there instead of being with us, don’t tell me that you’re going to want a wig and heels soon too). I listened with no tears. I listened and weirdly felt a sense of relief…that’s right a sense of relief. She ended with, “Ya apaga todo y vete a dormer!” (turn everything off and go to bed).

I sat in the kitchen. Speechless. Stunned. Tired. Relieved. You’re probably wondering how I could have had a sense of relief…well keep in mind that I thought she was going to disown me and kick me out. While what she said to me and how she responded was in no way a full and loving embrace, I took relief knowing that I at least still had a place to stay. Was I sad? Absolutely. Was I angry? Yes. Did I wish I had a happily ever after moment with my mom then and there? Yes. I didn’t get that then and I wouldn’t get it overnight.

That night I stayed in the kitchen for another 10-15 minutes or so. I sat in silence until I finally brought myself to get up and go to bed that night. All I remember was laying there with at least the relief in my head that I had finally come out to my mom. No matter the response from her, I had made progress towards my goal.
The next day we acted like nothing had happened. We went to Eagle Pass, Texas to go grocery shopping and would of course spend almost 3 hours waiting to cross back into the United States because of the delay at the border check. We spoke zero words to one another.

Two days later I found myself on the trip back to Chicago. I was dropped off at the San Antonio Airport by my parents. As I was getting my luggage to enter the airport at the passenger departure drop off I give my dad and my mom a hug goodbye. My mom gives a strong hug goodbye to me and says to me, “nunca estas solo mijo, yo siempre estoy contigo” (you’re never alone, I am always with you). I remember giving her a kiss and walking into the airport with tears in my eyes. I looked like an emotional wreck to anyone who saw me at the airport.
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My relationship with my mom would improve significantly in the months and years to come. Let me be clear that it wasn’t a smooth ride towards a happy sunset with us. We had moments where she screamed at me, where I screamed at her. We had moments where I hung up on the phone on her and stopped talking to her for months at a time. It would be tough. I missed her immensely, she was the one I felt the closest to my entire life, to not have her at several points made me incredibly sad. I made peace with the growing relationship with her. I told myself, if it took me 22 years to come around and finally accept myself and be ok with being gay, I couldn’t expect those around me to quickly accept who I was without giving them some grace to learn what this meant.

Today my relationship with my mom is the strongest it has ever been. In future posts, you’ll see how far we’ve come. I love my mother and I believe we had to live in the tension that we lived in order to get to where we are at today. While many hurdles still linger in my mind, I have no doubt our future is one of love and acceptance.
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To all the LGBTQIA+ identifying folks who might not have positive or any relationship with their mothers right away I hope you get to a place where you can have a relationship if you want it. To all the mothers in the world who have LGBTQIA+ identifying children, love them, be with them, and show them you’ll fight for them as you’ve likely done for them in other areas of their lives. If you don’t understand right away, that’s ok…but please act with grace and never dehumanize or make little the pain queer people endure. 

Now...you're probably wondering (to be honest I sometimes still wonder) how I got connected to Robbie Rogers. He is a soccer player and I wasn't...like ever. I giggle how while we've had completely different stories...there is power in a shared experience of not being out. 

It was December 2014 when I decided to fly from the Twin Cities to Chicago for the Loras Alumni event at the Cubby Bear. I was excited and had a fantastic time with fellow Duhawks. It would be a quick weekend for me at home. Shortly after I remember going out with some of my fellow Duhawks to Boystown...and as you might imagine...it was a long night out! :) 

The weekend would end up going quickly. As a reminder at this point in December 2014 I was out to both my Wisconsin, Iowa, select hometown friends, and Eddie. I was 3/4s of the way through my masters program and my time was running out to eventually come out to the rest of my family as that was my goal...to come out before I finished my masters degree. I found myself  at Midway in Chicago and decided to head to the bookstore in the retail area once you go through TSA. Mind you I had no intention of buying a book, I thought to myself...at most I might get a magazine or a bottle of water for the flight. I looked through the books and magazines and nothing was really catching my eye until of course I see Robbie Roger's "Coming Out to Play" book on display. I grabbed it and assumed to myself, "coming out to play?...is this a gay book?" I picked it up and read the back of the book and thought to myself...well I didn't need another book to read but I felt drawn to it. I decided to myself, "fuck it, what's one more book to read on top of the reading for graduate school." 

I bought the book and ordered an iced green tea (I'm the kind of gurl that orders iced drinks during the winter, sue me.) and found a chair to sit down so I could start reading. I opened the book and was quickly turning the pages. I found myself enjoying the story and finding the struggles of a closeted athlete in a sports world dominated by toxic masculinity as a place to teach to be honest. Selfishly, I looked at the book as a means of teaching the harms of toxic masculinity and the harm it does to queer people with college students. 

It wouldn't be until the second half of the book where I became emotionally attached to Robbie's story. In it he chronicles his eventual coming out to all of his family members. He did so in writing letters to his family members...he would skype them, tell them to check their emails, and ask that they call him back when they were done. How he came out would eventually be an approach I took with my own mother a few weeks later. 

In his story, like in many- but not all queer stories has pain, fear, and questions of the unknown. He would find love where it had always existed but perhaps wasn't always communicated in the way those of us who are queer need to see it so we can feel confident that that love also includes us. 

"Coming Out to Play" is a book I often give students and peers of mine to read now. It became one of my favorites because it's fairly recent and chronicles a lot of the internal thinking/ struggle that happens before someone is able to come out. It ultimately provides enough for many who are or aren't soccer players something to relate to. 

As I look back on my Instagram account, I purchased this book on December 7...and I would finish it 5 days later on December 12. I finished the Fall semester of graduate school and would have one more semester left in order to fulfill my goal of coming out before I finished my program. I didn't think at that time that two weeks after I finished reading Robbie Roger's book I would come out to my mom...and I tell ya what it would be an intense time and moment in my life. 

Much love to this book and much love to all who continue to struggle and figure out their coming out story today and tomorrow. 

PULSE Orlando happened two years ago today. 

It's a shame to say that now it's the second worse act of domestic terrorism that targeted queer people of color. It would only be surpassed by the recent Las Vegas terrorist act. 

I write this with sensitivity to all who were impacted and remain impacted by this senseless and tragic loss of innocent life. I do hope there is a future where massacres such as PULSE Orlando never happen again. I won't just settle for thoughts and prayers...as those are useless if they have no action. I dishonor our queer ancestors by doing nothing...and I dishonor them by not remembering them. 

The PULSE Orlando shooting is a moment in my life where I remember exactly where I was at and with whom. I was wrapping up my time working as a Coordinator of Student Development at Cal Poly and was hanging out with my friends, Amanda, Jill, Steve, and Tim. We were in Sierra Madre where Steve was the coordinator of the time. If memory serves me correctly, Steve and Tim were playing Rocket League on his Playstation. Jill, Amanda, and I were busy talking...probably talking about men to be frank. I remember being on my phone, tindering away, refreshing Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, etc. It wasn't too late when I was on Twitter and I remember seeing my feed begin to load tweets about Orlando and the PULSE shooting. I quickly continue to check out the messages and shared them out with the group. I think we were all pretty whatever about it at first as we were trying to see exactly what was going down. I kept refreshing my feed when videos of what was happening were being uploaded by people who were there. It was sobering to see videos of people running away from the sound of gunshots. It was sobering to see so much fear as we quickly learned that whatever was happening was still happening. 

I remember quickly seeing that it was a gay bar that this had occurred at. I was sad. I was stunned, thinking to myself, "what the flying fuck is going on?" We chatted amongst friends but I think we were all tired and to be honest I don't remember what we did next. I want to say that we all departed and went home for the night...but I'm not sure. We might have gone to get food (probably Taco Bell as that's what we usually did late at night). Nonetheless, I went to bed that night...distracted and lost with how to feel. 

The next morning I woke up to the news coverage of what had gone down. It was clear how many people were lost and how many had been hurt. I remember feeling numb. I remember making the connection that those who were killed were queer latinx folks like myself. I quickly thought about all the nights I had gone out to places like PULSE...such as Fantasy in Chicago. It was the first time I saw someone like me, murdered in a space that should have been the SAFEST space for queer latinx people. It sunk in that PULSE Orlando would have been the kind of gay bar I would have gone to. I couldn't begin to imagine the shock, fear, and betrayal these people felt there. I couldn't begin to realize what their family and friends closest to the victims would feel in the days to come. I remember reading articles of how after law enforcement cleared the scene, the process to begin to understand the amount of death that had needlessly occurred. I remember the reports of how the cell phones of those who were murdered rang endlessly as their loved ones and friends desperately tried to call them as they laid slain. I also remember the pain and fear I thought of all the victims who were outed in death. All the families who not only were dealing with losing someone, but also perhaps confronting identities that they might not have known existed within their loved ones. 

Those murdered were robbed of their chance to live, to dance, to sing, to be happy, to be safe. I couldn't then, and I still can't bear it now. I wrote the following post the day after. 

I was devastated. Just when you think we're making process we are hit with a devastating blow. I called and texted so many of my queer friends and just sent them reminders that I loved them. I too received many of those same messages. 

Later that day I remember going to McLintocks with Steve. He asked me how I was doing as he had seen my post and I don't even remember what my response was, but I felt visible in a way that I had previously not felt before. Whatever I told him, I remember feeling loved and that's what I needed to feel that day after what happened. 

Just as my worlds and identities continued to merge in other areas...whether it was seeing queer latinx representation in films, music, and in being more open myself, I had now seen queer latinx representation in a mass shooting massacre. This is NOT the representation any group wants or needs.

Just as there was pain though, there was healing. I would also see my specific identities, my beautiful Mexican and queer identity come together in solidarity with PULSE Orlando. A few months later in Chicago I would go to the National Museum of Mexican Art in Chicago in November and I would be brought to tears by what I saw. Never in my life did I ever picture a Dia de los Muertos altar honoring the queer lives lost at PULSE Orlando. I continued to find myself more at ease that who I was could exist with whom my family was. I also believe that the loss of so many queer people was an awakening to many who have queer siblings as to why we use and need spaces such as PULSE. Regardless, I saw unity and solidarity in honoring and remembering all lost during this tragedy. 
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Remembering PULSE Orlando on the second anniversary brings me lots of emotions. I also know that I don't take for granted the life I'm able to lead. I, in my own way, believe that I honor those lost, by not fearing but by living as courageously as I can and frequenting queer spaces such as PULSE. Every time I'm able to work with a young queer person of color I always speak to the value, community, and healing in spaces such as PULSE. We need more spaces like this, to continue to show young queer people...young queer people of color, that we can exist, have fun, and be safe from violence. 

My love goes to those connected to the victims of the massacre. June 12 will always be on my mind during PRIDE as a reminder to not take for granted the progress and safety we've been able to achieve...but also as a reminder of the work that continues to need people to lead on. We must continue to protect and defend spaces where we can live without fear of violence for not just us today, but for those who come after us.

"Same Love" was not the only song I overplayed during my graduate years. I would be pleasantly surprised when one of my favorite Mexican Norteno groups would release a song speaking to a queer experience. This song began building a bridge for me that again pushed me further and further to believe that my eventual coming out to my parents would be ok, if not right away, eventually. 

For those who know me are probably aware that I am a big fan of Los Tigres del Norte. For my non-Latino or non-Mexican friends this an internationally known group for thier music and messaging. You'll find that many Latinos are fans, and if not, are at minimal aware of the music they make. The group often tells stories in thier music which can range from the dangers of drug and alcohol use, immigration, migrant worker rights, the split identity of being a U.S. Citizen with a Mexican heritage, etc. You'll see in places like Chicago that they have streets named after them in neighborhoods like La Vilita. 

In 2014, Los Tigres released the track "Era Differente" as part of the album "Realidades" In this track, the first of its kind by a group such as theirs, released a song that spoke to a woman's experience of not liking men but instead liking women. This broke a major barrier in the genre of music due to how heteronormative the VAST majority of Norteno music is. When interviewed about the song, the group would speak to how they felt it was a thank you gift to thier LGBTQIA+ fans for always showing up and enjoying their music. They felt that the queer story was a story that wasn't being told and needed to be told. They would go on and be recognized by GlAAD for thier effort. You can read all about the lyrical content and recognition with this link: 

​https://www.glaad.org/blog/regional-superstars-los-tigres-del-norte-pen-song-about-same-sex-love

Admittedly this was a song that I was able to play when I was home. Everyone in the family was a fan of Los Tigres. My parents knew thier music, danced to thier music, and really followed them throughout thier lives. This was an opportunity for me to use something familiar to everyone in the family, to begin to normalize the idea of someone liking another person of the same-sex. Whether or not my family knew it at the time, I played this song because I loved it and the music was great, but in many ways I was coming out to them passively by playing this song any moment I could get. This song was yet another sign to me, that indeed I could be out with my family. This song was another song I cried myself asleep to. This song will ultimately be a song that I would hear my mom say is one of her favorites. Los Tigres were already one of my faves prior to this song, but knowing they came out with this tune definitely made me fall in love with them even further. By releasing a song like "Era Differente" was a brief of fresh air and an opportunity for others like me to begin sharing our open lives with those who might be older and unfamiliar with same-sex relationships. 

Coming out is quite the process I tell ya...

It was the summer of 2013 and I had just finished my undergraduate work at Loras College. I was living in River Falls, Wisconsin, about to embark on an incredible 2 year experience working towards my masters but also working towards my own liberation as I reflect back.

It was August of that summer and I had already come out to several of my closest friends in college. I remember drinking in my apartment and telling myself over and over again that I needed to do it. I couldn't tell you how often I played Macklemore and Ryan Lewis' "Same Love" as a way of pumping myself up to do so. For several of my close friends, the only way I could do it at the time was via text message. I came out to my friends throughout that summer. By the time August came around, my closest Loras friends knew, and in Wisconsin, my new friends (my fellow graduate cohort members) found out one drunken night at Ground Zero ($5 long islands have a way of getting to me). At this point I had no negative reactions. Everyone was positive, every friend was loving. I did have two moments where people hadn't seen my text message coming out to them and they felt guilty by responding so late that they assumed I thought I had percieved their delayed response as rejection. Little did those folks know that a drunk me has zero concept of time and what might have been an hour delay response time for them felt like seconds to me. :) 

I had finally done it. I had finally come out to my closest circle of friends at the time. I remember thinking alright, now that these folks know, it won't be long until the rest of my friends from Loras would find out. I never felt compelled to make a statement, I knew natural human behavior would take hold and my friends would slowly spread the news that I was gay. 

It was also in August that I finally began to understand what I wanted my role to be in the future. I was going to earn my masters in student affairs administration. I wanted to specifically work in diversity and inclusion work. I knew that if I wanted to be a credible voice in this field, I had to live out what I would eventually ask of those whom I had a platform to speak with. I could not be a closeted gay man if I were going to tell students that they could be open and out. I had to align who I was saying we should all be, with who I actually was. Coming out to my friends felt so good. I was happy. I felt the weight of the world removed. Thier acceptance meant the world. I no longer stayed awake at night thinking about whether my friends would still love me and want to be connected to me. I was beginning to allow myself to live authentically. 

That meant, I had to begin the process of coming out to not only my friends, but my family as well. Again, it was August 2013 and it was the last free weekend I had before move in would happen at UW- River Falls, and really before my coursework would begin. I decided to take a trip to visit my brothers in Cicero. My parents were gone in Mexico and the only folks at our childhood home would be my brothers: Eddie, Andy, and Freddy. On the Saturday night of that weekend, I invited Eddie to come with me for drinks with my friends Jordan and Garrett. We went to a bar in Lakeview somewhere...we of course had a goodtime and enjoyed a few drinks. Knowing I had to leave the next day to Wisconsin it would be an early night. Eddie and I left and we drove and we listened to music as we always do on blast. I vividly remember jamming to Queen's "The Show Must Go On" Macklemore's "Same Love" and FUN's "We Are Young". As we got close to our exit, Eddie asked if I was hungry and I said yes. We went to DiNico's pizza as they are open super late. We got slices to go. 

We arrived and we ate our pizza in the back porch. He ate his slice and said he was going to bed. At this point, I was drunk enough to feel the same courage I needed the previous times to come out. As he got up to go to bed, I tell him that he should stay back because I needed to tell him something. Mind you, at this point my heart was beating out of my chest. I was terrified. I had chosen Eddie to be the first in the family to know because of how loving he always was. He always played the role as a mediator for our family and I knew that I would need that as I continued coming out. I knew I needed to start with him. If he could know, and if he could be an ally, I knew the rest would be easier. 

He didn't want to stay back and hang out with me in the porch. To his defense it was indeed getting late as I remember it being past 2am already. He said he was going to bed again, and again I said no, don't leave me. He said, well tell me what you're going to tell me. I responded with a nervous laughter saying I would tell him but he needed to sit down. He laughed and said that he was going to bed. At this point, my heart was just completely fucked. I either screamed or at least I felt like I screamed that I was serious that I needed him to sit down. At this point, I was crying. I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by what I was hoping to do. I was balling my eyes out and he must have known that whatever I was going to share that it was serious enough for me to want to tell him. He sat down and Eddie, like me, is an empath. He can feel what others are feeling and perhaps that is why I decided to start with him. He told me, "dude what's going on, you can tell me." I eventually through the ugly crying told him, "I'm gay." 

I remember asking him questions as I cried. I asked him how he thought the rest of the family would respond to. I remember him saying that it might take a while, but that eventually all of them would still love me. I knew that would be the case. I knew that it wouldn't be the happily ever after gay coming out story. I knew I had to prepare for it. We finished talking for quite a bit. We would eventually have to wrap up our conversation as my oldest brother Andy would arrive from work in the middle of the night. I stopped saying anything and Eddie went off to talk to Andy as if nothing had just happened. I sat in the porch, relieved, happy, but also aware of what lied ahead. I was proud of myself. 

To Eddie...holy shit I was T E R R I F I E D of how you would respond. Even knowing that you were the most sensitive of us all in the family. I'm sure you saw or knew about me before I cared to admit it to myself. I know in the two years I was in grad school I saw how you came through and would defend LGBTQIA+ people to your friends and family. Believe me when I said, I noticed EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU SPOKE UP. You never outed me as far as I know when you did that. I knew you loved me as a brother, and I knew then that I could indeed go to you to talk about being gay. I was your youngest brother and was just trying to figure his shit out. You gave me peace of mind. I am grateful...

Coming out to Eddie would be the start of eventually coming out to the rest of my immediate family. There were moments from here on out that I would get angry with family. I would sometimes just disconnect and not talk to anyone, and this was mostly me trying to balance my needs of needing to be out and not wanting to be home closeted among those who were family. Once you're out in one of your lives, it becomes hard to go back in the closet when you're with people who don't know this about you. The two years it took me to come out to all of my family was exhausting, knowing I had one of my brothers at my back helped a lot and would be big in helping me in the future. 

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